Healing after divorce in Japan. Personal story & advice

Divorce is one of the most painful experiences anyone can go through. As someone who has faced this in Japan, I want to share my story and offer some heartfelt advice to those navigating this difficult journey. When my marriage ended, I was shell-shocked. I felt overwhelmed, lost, and convinced that the failure of my relationship was entirely my fault. I fought hard to save my marriage, but despite my efforts, it ended.

It wasn’t until I sought therapy, leaned on my friends, and reflected deeply that I began to see the truth: it wasn’t just my fault. Divorce takes two people, and it’s rarely as simple as one person being entirely to blame. Through this process, I found acceptance, and with that, true healing began. For me, it took over a year to feel whole again, but healing is different for everyone. What matters most is taking it one step at a time and focusing your energy on the right areas of your life.

Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting the past or disregarding the good moments. It means letting go of the pain while cherishing the positive experiences. Grief, after all, is unexpressed love. If you’re going through this, I’m here to tell you: you’re not alone, and you will get through it.

Divorce in Japan: Cultural Context and Challenges

Divorce in Japan comes with its own unique cultural challenges. While divorce rates in Japan have risen over the years, it’s still often seen as a source of shame or failure, especially for women. Social expectations and family pressures can make the process even more emotionally taxing.

For foreigners navigating a divorce in Japan, these cultural differences can add another layer of complexity. Language barriers, differing legal systems, and societal norms can make you feel even more isolated.

In Japan, divorce is often viewed as a private matter, and there is less emphasis on seeking outside help. The legal process can also be daunting, particularly for foreigners unfamiliar with the koseki (family registry) system. Custody laws in Japan typically grant sole custody to one parent, which can be particularly difficult for non-Japanese parents.

It’s also important to acknowledge that divorce, even when initiated by your spouse, is rarely easy for them either. They, too, may be grappling with feelings of guilt, sadness, or uncertainty about the future. Understanding this can help you approach the situation with compassion and reduce feelings of resentment.

Step 1: Acknowledge Your Feelings

Divorce is like an emotional earthquake. You might feel a mix of sadness, anger, guilt, relief, or even numbness. All of these feelings are valid. It’s okay to cry, to feel lost, or to wonder what comes next. For me, accepting my emotions instead of fighting them was the first step toward healing. Journaling helped me process these feelings and gave me a safe space to reflect.

Step 2: Lean on Support

No one should face divorce alone. During my darkest days, my family and friends were my lifeline. They listened without judgment, reminded me of my worth, and helped me see beyond the pain. If you’re feeling isolated, don’t hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. And if you feel like you need more help, seeking therapy or coaching can be transformative.

There is no shame in asking for help. Therapy taught me that healing isn’t about fixing yourself because you’re broken—it’s about rediscovering your strength and learning how to move forward.

Be mindful, though, of who you confide in. Some friends, though well-meaning, may not truly understand what it’s like to go through a divorce. Seek guidance from those who have been married or experienced divorce themselves, or from people who are whole and emotionally grounded.

Confiding in the wrong person can slow your healing process or make it unnecessarily harder. Avoid falling into a victim mentality or pity party—it might feel comforting in the moment, but it will hinder your progress in the long run.

Step 3: Understand It Takes Two

In the beginning, I was consumed by guilt. I kept asking myself, “What did I do wrong?” Over time, I realized that while I had my flaws, so did my ex. Communication was a major issue in our marriage, and we both contributed to its breakdown. Understanding this helped me let go of the blame and focus on what I could control: my own growth and healing.

If you’re feeling guilty or angry, try to shift your focus. Instead of analyzing your ex’s actions, ask yourself, “What can I learn from this experience?” and “How can I grow from this?” This mindset change was a turning point for me.

Step 4: Prioritize Self-Care

When you’re in the thick of divorce, it’s easy to neglect yourself. But taking care of your physical and mental health is essential. Here’s what helped me:

- Exercise: Even a short walk each day cleared my mind and lifted my mood.

- Healthy Eating: Cooking simple, nutritious meals gave me a sense of control and nurtured my body.

- Rest: I allowed myself to rest when I needed it without feeling guilty.

- Hobbies: Rediscovering old interests reminded me of who I was outside of my marriage. You will be surprised to discover new hobbies.

There is another blog entry that will help you: Embracing Change: Strategies for Thriving Through Transition

Step 5: Take It One Step at a Time

Healing isn’t a straight path. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. The key is to focus on small, manageable steps. Don’t worry about how long it will take—just keep moving forward. When you put your energy into the right areas of your life, healing often comes faster than you expect.

For me, this meant setting small goals, like learning something new or reconnecting with old friends. Each step, no matter how small, brought me closer to feeling like myself again.

Step 6: Explore Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Divorce can leave you feeling untethered, but healthy coping mechanisms can provide stability. Here are a few that worked for me:

- Journaling: Writing helped me make sense of my emotions and track my progress.

- Mindfulness: Simple practices like deep breathing or meditation kept me grounded.

- Setting Goals: Having something to work toward gave me purpose and direction.

- Volunteering: Helping others reminded me of my own strength and value.

Step 7: Parenting Through Divorce

If you have children, their well-being is likely your top priority. Divorce can be confusing and painful for kids, but open communication and emotional support can make a huge difference. Be honest with them in an age-appropriate way and reassure them that they are loved. Co-parenting in Japan can be particularly challenging due to custody laws, but focusing on your child’s needs can help you navigate this.

Step 8: Consider Reconciliation Carefully

Sometimes, reconciliation is an option. However, it requires genuine change, open communication, and mutual commitment. If you’re considering this path, couples therapy can help you determine if rebuilding the relationship is truly the right choice.

A Brighter Future Awaits

Divorce is painful, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. It’s a chance to rediscover who you are and what you want in life. For me, this journey wasn’t just about healing—it was about becoming a better version of myself. And while it took time, I’ve come out stronger and more resilient.

If you’re struggling, remember: you don’t have to do this alone. Whether it’s therapy, coaching, or simply leaning on a friend, support is out there. I’m here to help, too. I offer one-on-one coaching for people going through divorce, those who need help healing, or even those who want to prevent a divorce by improving their relationships. Together, we can work toward a brighter, more fulfilling future.

Visa Status: What happens with my Visa in Japan after the Divorce?

The important thing is you have to report your Divorce to Immigration if you are on a Spouse Visa! Best is in the next two weeks after the Divorce.

It is scary but Immigration will tell you a lot of things, that sound scary but there is no need to panic.

Contact an Immigration Lawyer, that is what helped me, except you want to leave the country.

Final Thoughts

Divorce is a deeply personal journey, but it’s not one you need to face alone. By prioritizing self-care, seeking support, and focusing on personal growth, you can heal and move forward. Be patient with yourself, take it step by step, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You’ve got this.

If you’d like to learn more about the coaching services I offer or simply need someone to talk to, feel free to reach out. Your journey to healing and growth starts today.

Yes, Help me heal

References:

- Ministry of Justice Japan. “Divorce in Japan.” Accessed January 2025. Link

- American Psychological Association. “The Road to Resilience.” Accessed January 2025. Link

- Gottman Institute. “What Makes Marriage Work?” Accessed January 2025. Link